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What would you do if you woke up one day to discover that your partner had radically changed their beliefs while you slept? This really happened to a California couple. NPR's Jude Joffe-Block talked with them for our series Seeking Common Ground.
JUDE JOFFE-BLOCK, BYLINE: It was the middle of the night in June 2020 at the height of the pandemic. Katrina Vaillancourt was in her bedroom in her Bay Area home. Her fiancé, Stephen Ghiglieri, was asleep next to her. Katrina was feeling a lot of stress and couldn't sleep. She decided to watch a video series a friend had sent.
KATRINA VAILLANCOURT: And it started out with this very warm and welcoming voice.
(SOUNDBITE OF DOCUMENTARY, "THE FALL OF THE CABAL")
JANET OSSEBAARD: We are about to witness one of the greatest events in human history.
VAILLANCOURT: The world's looking a bit crazy right now, and it's actually worse than you could even imagine.
(SOUNDBITE OF DOCUMENTARY, "THE FALL OF THE CABAL")
OSSEBAARD: Soon, we'll be shown evidence of an elite plan, so evil, so all-encompassing that people will be shocked to the core.
JOFFE-BLOCK: Katrina was shocked. The series promoted the QAnon conspiracy theory that claims a satanic cabal controls society and abuses children.
VAILLANCOURT: It was an emotional roller coaster ride that really brought me into a state of devastation. Like, this has to stop. And then it turned around and gave me a solution.
JOFFE-BLOCK: Good guys had a plan, and one of them was the president, Donald Trump. Before this moment, Katrina had not had a favorable view of him.
VAILLANCOURT: I felt nauseated by the sight or the sound of Trump prior to this particular night.
JOFFE-BLOCK: But her mind was now open. At a time when the world felt chaotic and uncertain, this message gave her hope.
VAILLANCOURT: And I felt such relief around that that my fear dissolved. I felt this beaming of love. It felt like the curtain had been thrown wide open.
JOFFE-BLOCK: Katrina stayed up, trying to fact-check what she had just learned. She didn't realize it at the time, but her searches were leading her to other QAnon sites. When her fiancé Stephen woke up in the morning, he was surprised to find her still on her computer. He says she seemed frenetic, off.
STEPHEN GHIGLIERI: And I said something to the effect of, I don't recognize who you are right now. And it makes me nervous.
VAILLANCOURT: Yeah.
GHIGLIERI: And I even said something like, you wouldn't hurt me in my sleep, would you (laughter)?
VAILLANCOURT: You did, which was shocking to me.
GHIGLIERI: I know. I said that. Yeah, because you were so different from, you know, from the person I had been with for four and a half years.
JOFFE-BLOCK: Stephen had known Katrina as a Bernie Sanders fan, who opposed Trump. He was stunned by how quickly some of her views had changed.
GHIGLIERI: And I can remember slamming doors around here, 'cause I would just get so frustrated with - God, how can she believe this?
JOFFE-BLOCK: Katrina's social media feeds kept showing her more and more QAnon content, especially posts tailored to her interest in alternative health. And she began sharing some of it, too.
VAILLANCOURT: I started to have people react to me, argue with me, accuse me of being a racist, sexist, fascist, homophobic, transphobic, crazy, delusional person, which I was like, where is this coming from?
JOFFE-BLOCK: QAnon has been used by some to promote hate and violence, though Katrina says she didn't see that content. In the meantime, she got invitations to join QAnon Facebook groups and made new online friends. A few days later, it was still tense at home. Katrina went to stay with a friend. Stephen called his therapist, who warned him Katrina might not ever snap out of this. He said...
GHIGLIERI: Disavow yourself of the belief that you can change her mind. You're never going to change her mind.
JOFFE-BLOCK: Stephen still wanted to see if their relationship could work. He told himself he'd try for the next six months.
GHIGLIERI: It became clear to me that if I was ever to get her back, it had to be safe for her to come back.
VAILLANCOURT: And he was willing to say, you know, well, I hear your viewpoint, and I don't share it, but that's OK.
JOFFE-BLOCK: Katrina came home a couple of weeks later. And as the summer of 2020 progressed, they came up with boundaries and ground rules. They had set times to discuss Katrina's new beliefs so it wouldn't consume them.
GHIGLIERI: I can remember many times asking Katrina to back away from the word truth. It's a belief, and I'll respect your beliefs, but you can't tell me it's the truth. If we can't see it, touch it, smell it, whatever, it ain't the truth. It's a belief.
JOFFE-BLOCK: As Katrina did research for these discussions, she began to realize many of the claims either didn't check out or couldn't be proven. About six months after she watched that video series, she stopped engaging with QAnon, though she didn't swing back to identifying as a Democrat.
VAILLANCOURT: It made me more motivated to step out of polarization and to be both grateful and critical of both sides and more open to nonestablishment and third-party candidates.
JOFFE-BLOCK: A year after Katrina turned away from QAnon, she and Stephen got married. And last summer, Katrina published a book about their experience. She says the lessons are relevant beyond QAnon, given that Russia is spreading disinformation with the goal of dividing Americans.
VAILLANCOURT: And it's working to tear us apart, but it doesn't have to. If we can actually remember to choose a connection over correction and respect over reaction, we do have a path forward.
JOFFE-BLOCK: She and Stephen are still building their path. We spoke again on Zoom a week after the election. It was tense.
VAILLANCOURT: We don't talk politics much 'cause we generally find it stressful.
JOFFE-BLOCK: Stephen feels despair about Trump's win.
GHIGLIERI: Really being resigned to the next four years being potentially very ugly, and that it may not end in four years, that the rest of my life could be [expletive] in this country.
JOFFE-BLOCK: Katrina voted for Robert F. Kennedy Jr., who Trump has picked to join his administration. And unlike Stephen, she feels hopeful.
VAILLANCOURT: I have been of an opinion that's different than Stephen's, and that's a difficult thing for me to even say right here. I don't share the fear that so many people around me do.
JOFFE-BLOCK: In Katrina's view, the differences between voters on both sides aren't as great as they're made out to be.
VAILLANCOURT: Ultimately, what we want is the same thing. And that's what I wish I could really get across to people because...
GHIGLIERI: I don't believe that.
JOFFE-BLOCK: These conversations are still raw. They're uncomfortable. But Katrina says, ultimately, every time they come back around, and remember how much they love each other.
Jude Joffe-Block, NPR News.
(SOUNDBITE OF SEB WILDBLOOD'S "SKETCHES") Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.
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