While the work of raising little humans has never been easy, being a parent in today's world is especially anxiety-inducing.
In addition to juggling work, child care and the household, parents are worried about social media, school shootings and the growing children's mental health crisis, according to the U.S. Surgeon General's 2024 advisory.
And parents are feeling the strain. According to a 2023 survey of more than 3,000 U.S. adults from the American Psychological Association, 48% of parents reported that most days, their stress is "completely overwhelming."
Parents can prevent this daily pressure from escalating into burnout by spotting its signs β and finding solutions to help cope. Here are three red flags to look out for.
π©Red flag No. 1: You're so stressed and exhausted that you can't enjoy family time.Β
Sleep regressions, toddler tantrums, adolescent mood swings β yes, parenting has its challenges. But if you find it's so emotionally, physically or mentally draining most days that you can't enjoy family time, you may be struggling with burnout, says Nekeshia Hammond, a psychologist who specializes in burnout prevention.
The symptoms are different for everyone. "For some people, burnout leads to agitation, irritability or withdrawal from your significant other or your children," she says. Or you might feel it in your body: frequent headaches, sleep problems or a change in appetite.
The prolonged stress can also lead to longer-term health issues like high blood pressure, clinical depression or anxiety β so get ahead of it if you can.
π How to cope: The next time you're caught up in a tough parenting moment β say, taking care of a toddler with a stomach bug while you have a stomach bug (and are on the brink of tears) β Hammond suggests simply taking a minute.
Set a timer on your phone, breathe deeply and give yourself 60 seconds to "get your mind and body back to a calm state," Hammond says. Hopefully, this will give you enough mental space to ask yourself: How am I doing? What do I need?
Try to turn this exercise into a daily practice. It can help you "make that mental shift that it's OK to reset," she says.
If you're unsure whether you're experiencing burnout, Hammond says to talk to your doctor or a mental health professional. The Postpartum Support International and the National Alliance on Mental Illness also have resources for parents.
π©Red flag No. 2: You're taking on most of your family's "mental load."
Do you find yourself doing all the planning, decision-making and problem-solving in your household? Like coordinating the carpool schedule or figuring out when and how to potty-train your toddler?
That invisible labor is called the "mental load," and it's a major factor of parental burnout, says Eve Rodsky, an expert on the gender division of labor who has done research on this topic.
That burden is falling mostly on women. One recent study looked at data from 3,000 American parents and found that moms carried 71% of the mental load tasks at home, including chores like planning meals and managing household finances.
π How to cope: If you're feeling overwhelmed by your workload, it's time to let go of some of the reins.
If you have a partner or a co-parent, sit down together and do a time audit, says Rodsky. She suggests making three lists: your parenting and household tasks, your partner's and any shared roles. What stands out? Are there any chores you can reassign to your partner to help lighten your load? Any tasks that should fall off the to-do list for good?
Then, set up a weekly check-in to go over schedules and renegotiate household and child care tasks as needed, says Rodsky. It takes constant communication to ensure responsibilities stay manageable for everyone on the calendar.
If you're a single parent, don't be afraid to ask for help and accept it when you need it, says former U.S. Surgeon General Vivek Murthy. People often want the opportunity to be a part of your life and show up for you. You'd pick up a friend's kid after school, so why shouldn't you be able to make the same ask?
π© Red flag No. 3: You don't have any hobbies, time for friends or "me" time, and you feel like you're losing your sense of self.
Parents today are both working more and spending more time in child care compared to two decades ago, says Murthy. That means they're spending "less time taking care of themselves and recuperating."
When parents don't prioritize their well-being, it can have a negative effect on family life. "The mental health of parents and kids are deeply intertwined," he says. Left unchecked, parental burnout can strain parent-child relationships, lead to behavioral and emotional problems in kids and create unhealthy coping mechanisms in families.
π How to cope: For the sake of your kids, take the time to properly care for yourself. "Your sleep, your time with friends, your diet, your quiet time, those are not indulgent, those are essential," Murthy says.
You can also try carving out "unicorn space," Rodsky says. It's a term she first used in her book Fair Play to describe regular, guilt-free time for you to explore self-expression and be "consistently interested in your own life."
Rodsky shares her three C's to finding your unicorn space:
Curiosity: What is one thing you can do this month outside your roles as a parent, partner and professional? Aim for an activity that lights you up and speaks to your personal values. For example, if you're craving more beauty in your life, perhaps you take a ballet class.
Connection: Put your activity on display. Put on a dance recital, publish that podcast, deliver cookies to your 10 closest friends. When you share your passion, you never know what doors might open for you or the people you share it with, Rodsky says.
Completion: Choose a hobby that has an endpoint to make it stand out from other activities, like daily meditation or going to the gym. It doesn't have to be big. "Those completion moments are great for dopamine, and it's great to be able to say, 'I can't believe I just did that,' " Rodsky says.
Hammond acknowledges that making time for self-care is "easier said than done. But you're allowed to thrive. To be emotionally healthy. To have joy, rest and recharge. You're allowed to have those things."
The digital story was edited by Meghan Keane. The visual editor is Beck Harlan. We'd love to hear from you. Leave us a voicemail at 202-216-9823, or email us at LifeKit@npr.org.
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